I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
