I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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