I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
