Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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