How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Randomize
