I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
