guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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