Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Randomize
