I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
