i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Where did you get a picture of my penis
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
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