How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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