This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
