If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
