Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
