party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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