Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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