So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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