Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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