I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
