I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
