soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
