i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
