You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
