Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
