She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
