Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
