I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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