using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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