I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
