If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
