please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
