Plan B is the new Plan A
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
