Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
