I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
