I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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