I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
