no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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