I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
