sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Randomize
