i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
