it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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