Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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