so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
