this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
