Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
