Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
You need Xanax blowdarts
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize