guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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