if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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