I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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