Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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