hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just gift wrapped bread.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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