Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
